A good friend told me this week that Ekhart Tolle says that by taking even one conscious breath a day we can achieve higher awareness.

I’ve been whining to him about my lack of ability to follow through, to stay in the present, to get to the next level in my path toward “enlightenment” or whatever you want to call it. He couldn’t relate at all to my thought that my struggle is harder than for most people. I do think that my pathology is more acute than most, but I didn’t want to try to explain that, so as not to sound like I was in victim consciousness.

For years in therapy, I practiced all kinds of meditation, grounding and mindfulness techniques, but never got anywhere because I never did it outside the office. It wasn’t for lack of trying, or lack of belief in the theory or the methods. There is something about me that simply will not do things regularly no matter how committed I am to whatever plan I have at the time. Some call it laziness, some call it stuck. It’s probably both plus habit. It’s been decades that I’ve known what I have to do, and I still haven’t gotten over this hump. It’s incredibly frustrating. In that time, I’ve made other progress, for sure. But, I’m so irritated with myself.

Being irritated, wallowing, self-recrimination, and self-loathing don’t help. I try as hard as I can to stay optimistic. And, from time to time, I create a new plan, a new idea, a new method. My current plan (my friend’s suggestion) is to set my alarm for a certain time each day, and take that one conscious breath. Simple. I like it. So far, so good. It’s been two days.

I do think every positive thing we do counts. I do think that there is benefit to even the three or four days I tend to stick to my goals. I am getting more able to be accepting of life’s events. I am much more able to handle disappointment and bounce back from adversity. I am moving forward, and I will keep jumping back on the positive bandwagon.

My therapist, who is amazing at reframing, says when I mess up or get off-track, I don’t have to start over, I have to start where I left off. I love her! She’s brilliant.

So, one conscious breath. Mindfulness. Acceptance. And, hopefully, some amount of consistency.