I had two adult experiences recently, neither of which resulted in a call back. One was what I would call “good” and the other, “bad.” Which begs the question of why? What makes an experience good or bad? It’s all casual, so what was the difference?

I just figured it out.

I’m an adult. I no longer judge myself for having sex, whether it’s a part of or outside of a relationship.

It’s whether or not there was any connection. Even with casual, I need a connection.

The first guy, I’ll call Mr Curious. He was direct about what he wanted, asked lots of questions about me. I knew that I went over there for “just sex.” When I got there, he asked more questions. (He was checking me out. I’m pretty sure I gave mixed message and he was wondering what my deal was.) Initially, I found the questions flattering. We didn’t have sex, but we did fool around a bit. I thought the chemistry was good, and I wanted to have sex, but he had to go to work, which I already knew, and he asked if we could get together later that day. After I left, I realized that he had told me almost nothing about himself. We had less than no intimacy. I knew he wouldn’t call. And, he didn’t.

The second guy, Mr Pot Farm, was the same thing. Very direct, very clearly “just sex.” I “met” both of them on websites, but this guy’s profile made me laugh. So, by the time we agreed to meet, I liked him already. I went over there, and I was nervous this time, too. I think I made him a bit nervous as well. But we both talked. There was a connection. The chemistry was there, too, and we did end up having sex. Quite a lot of it, actually. And, get this: we cuddled. I actually had a man’s arms around me and some gorgeous catnaps. Lovely.

Now, he didn’t call me back either. I rather thought he would; I thought we got along great, but I’m not entirely surprised he didn’t. After all, it’s casual. No commitments. I even asked to see him again, and he declined. But it was still a good experience for me. The difference? I like him. We laughed, we talked, we listened, and we touched each other non-sexually.

Here’s the thing: I’m a bit of a fraud. All of my life, I’ve traded sex to get attention and affection. And sex. I’ve been on this tightrope, trying to balance getting my needs met with not driving a potential partner away with my needs. Now, add-in to this mix being a parent first, scheduling issues, major depression, and the fact that I’m a bit old-school; and you can probably see why this has been hard for me.

I’ve changed a lot in the last year. I actually am casual now. I do still fight my dependent tendencies, but I’m not looking for my forever home. I’m not ready. But I do need some kind of connection. It can be emotional, intellectual, or physical; it can be based on humor.

Remember Causal Sex Guy? It’s definitely casual. He has very clearly drawn boundaries. He’s not cuddly, or physically affectionate with me, but we “click.” We just get along. He is attentive. He checks-in. We make each other laugh. We’re friends.

They say life is a journey and I’m inclined to agree. It’s a process of living and learning, and at times, redefining the thoughts that need adjusting. So, I now know that I’m okay being “casual,” but I need some level of intimacy. And it’s up to me to use that information to make good choices.