my friend, with benefits


I moved two years ago. There’s a story, but I don’t want to tell it yet.

I found myself in a new place, with very few friends. I went on my trusty dating site, and had about the same level of success – almost none. But I did make one good friend. It’s been about two years since we first met.

In those two years, we’ve been walking, hiking, shopping, and napping. We’ve laughed, cried and made dinner together. We’ve had sex and we’ve cuddled. We’ve never fought, but we’re very different people. We don’t see each other very often. We’re not in an exclusive relationship. It’s definitely what most people would call complicated. But, it’s a solid friendship, and it’s real. We’ve gone months without seeing each other, and there have been a few times where we’ve almost lived together.

I’m surprised by how much I care about him, but that I’m not dependent on him. I wouldn’t die if I didn’t see him anymore. I would definitely miss him. I love him, but in a different way than I’m used to.

When we’re together, I am really and truly happy. Being out in nature together makes me so grateful for our friendship, because it’s not something I would do alone. I’ve had amazing experiences: shooting stars on a windy night, breathtaking views, warm afternoons overlooking a deep blue lake, a ghost town with abandoned houses to walk through, amazing sex in a field with the sun overhead, train tracks and tunnels, and so many more.

Our physical relationship just works. It’s some of the best I’ve ever had. We click and it’s great. And, it’s nice to have someone to hold and who needs and appreciates physical contact like holding hands, kissing and hugging, as much as I do.

I love him, but when we’re not together, we’re just not together. It would hurt to sit around and think about it, so I don’t. Surprisingly, it’s not that hard to do most of the time. Even when I miss him, it’s not obsessive. I think I love him as a person and as a lover, but not as my other half. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t have him or because I just don’t.

I think I should have mentioned that he’s Asperger’s. Which does impact the relationship. He’s honest, straightforward, and no-nonsense. He’s about as emotionally distant as most of the men I’ve dated, except that he’s aware of it; it’s not a defense. If there’s something I want from him emotionally, I ask and he decides if he wants or is able to give it. He’s usually willing to sit and listen, and to be honest. I really don’t try to wring anything from him. I accept him as he is. I think he’s gotten used to me, too.

It’s not like me to have a relationship where I’m not all in. Or, maybe I mean overboard? After my divorce, I’ve been scared. I’ve been saying I wanted a friend with benefits, or maybe more old-fashioned, like a lover. I think that’s what I have and I like it.

Perhaps it’s because I knew from the get-go that I would never have this man for myself. He’s also got neurological issues that I don’t fully understand, and he doesn’t respond to me the way I’m used to. It’s been good for me in that I can’t use him to massage my ego. Which is not to say that I don’t get compliments. I do, but they’re not ones I get when I’m fishing. He doesn’t play those games. He gives me the ones he wants to. They’re heart-felt and wonderful. I had to let go of my ego pretty quickly and see him for who he is and be confident on my own in this relationship. Then, when I get compliments, they are such a nice bonus. But they don’t make my foundation. They are the icing on the cake.

I’ve never been logical about love and lust. This is about as close as I’ve been and it’s good. I love my friend. I love the benefits. I do have moments of jealousy. I do have moments of loneliness. In the last year and half, I’ve seen him about once a month or two. Ultimately, I will need a man of my own. But for now, I think I need another lover, or a few men to flirt with. Or both.

I asked him last night if he cares if I have other lovers. He doesn’t. He’s already got a primary relationship, so it makes sense that he wouldn’t. It might have stung a bit. I’m not dwelling on it. That’s how I make this work, I think. I don’t dwell on the things that I don’t like. He says I can tell him all about any other sex I have, and he got a little gleam in his eye. Guess he liked the idea. Lol.

We’ll see. He’s the only person I’ve been with in two years. I may be more attached to him than I think I am. Or, it may be great fun, and new adventures.



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