Prelude to a Crime

When I reached out I was denied access.
Then I grasped at someone else and another door closed.
I met someone new and jumped at the chance
and ignored my own rules for his promise we’d take it easy.

Act I – The Crime

When he started to hurt me I asked him to stop.
Then I pushed him and made him stop, but
I stayed there, ignoring the signs,
and let him continue.

When it started hurting again I told him so.
Then I stopped fighting him.
I played nice and forced myself to take it
and he thought I was enjoying myself.

When I got home I blamed myself.
Then I found out how badly I was hurt.
I felt ashamed of the choices I’d made
and the fact that I didn’t fight him harder.

When I really think about it I did say it hurt.
Then I did raise my voice and push at him.
I don’t understand why I didn’t go home then
and I wonder if I didn’t allow him to violate me.

Intermission – Blaming the Victim

Why did I put myself in that situation?
Why did I ignore the signs?
Why did I ignore the pain and not scream bloody murder?
Why didn’t I stop him?

Act II – Trying to Figure It Out

When something bad happens you don’t blame the victim.
Then why do I focus mostly on my part?
I go over and over why I shut down and let it happen
and I know that victims of acquaintance rape can feel this way.

When it comes right down to it, I did say no.
Then it’s not my fault, right?
I did confront him to explain that I was hurt because he didn’t listen
and I do think he feels remorse.

Act III – What Happens Next

When I am ready to deal, I will get out of my head.
Then it will be time to grieve.
I know the feelings will come and go
and someday, it will be okay.