how sam got her groove back


I went on a dating website recently. Filled out the profile and cruised around looking for potential people to talk to. I was very casual in what I said, and I looked for like-minded people. I normally have better luck with the ones I contact first. Probably because I already think I might like them.

I got almost no responses to my messages, and from what I’ve heard, that’s normal. I got about a dozen contacts over the course of the week. Those guys seemed to fall into two categories: men slightly older than me who are interested in serious, lifetime relationships and younger men who want to know if I want to have sex with them. Just like that…

I’ve heard from a lot of men that women are mean, don’t usually respond and are callous. That seemed sad, so I responded to everyone who wrote me, and tried to be nice, even if they didn’t seem to be my cup of tea. Probably a mistake. Two of the men got very serious within days and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. They both wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me.

I’m all for giving things a shot, but why anyone interested in forever would contact me to begin with is a mystery. And, seriously, how can anyone, no matter how lonely, think they love someone after a few instant messages? Most of the people I know wouldn’t have talked to any of the men I talked to. I figured they were just lonely and tried to treat them kindly. One friend warned me that by being nice, I was letting them think they had a shot. He was right.

I had to “break up” with both of them. The first wanted me to video cam with him and his son, who, he said, was very excited to have a new mother. WTF?? Never even met the guy. The second (didn’t meet him either) was planning for us to spend our lives together, wrote me poetry, checked in every day and got mad when I was busy. He was hurt and said I led him on. I could have pointed out how many times I told him that I was not in the same place he was and not looking for that place, but I let him be angry with me. Even though they both probably have screws loose, I tried to be compassionate. Ouch.

Clearly, my version of nice means yes, I’ll marry you… Need to work on that.

Then, there are the guys 10-15 years younger than me who, I think, like older women (which is fine) and (I assumed) since my profile said newly single, guess that I’m hot-to-trot. I actually asked one of them, and he said yep. So I took that phrase right off of my profile.

As long as everyone is honest, I think there could be a place for casual. But this was more casual than I could handle. I’m probably not going to meet someone for sex and then see if we will be friends. I prefer to have a friendship first. Some level of trust. And, after the assault, it’s an iron clad rule. I did actually arrange to meet one of those guys who seemed okay, and he stood me up. Never showed, never contacted me. Lovely.

There are a few others, but no one floats my boat. I think I might have a few new friends, but we’ll see how long they last when they realize I’m not attracted to them. I’m being 100% honest now, not trying to soften or hedge, and letting the chips fall where they may.

There’s one guy I like. Interestingly, I contacted him.

He says right up front on his profile that he’s in an open relationship and looking for someone who is okay with that. Judge me if you need to, but I believe him. He seems open with me, he contacts me every day and he treats me like we are friends. I contacted him without seeing a picture of him, because his profile spoke to me. His answers were so much like mine, very laid-back and easy-going. We seemed to hit it off right away. We have serious and funny conversations, and some that we go back to a few times, over several days. I never feel like he has to pause to remember something we talk about. He contacts me more than most of the men I’ve had committed relationships with. He flatters me, but in a relaxed way that makes it easy for me to believe.

I like him a lot, but I’m not obsessed with him. Which is as it should be. It would be stupid for me to delude myself into thinking it’s different than it is.

It’s good. It’s really good. The best I’ve ever had. And if it goes away tomorrow, I’ll be okay. Truthfully, I’m pretty old fashioned. Casual sex for me is a bit empty. But, darn it, I’m an adult. Sex is a human sharing experience. Ideally, for most people, shared between two committed people, but I don’t have that right now. And I’m in a place in my life where this works. I’m having the most relaxed and amazing sex of my life. The sharing part outweighs the times I feel emptiness and the self-doubt. And, this one seems like the best it could be, given the non-exclusivity. I actually think we could be real friends after a while. But we’ll see. There will be no counting of chickens.

I like being in my 40s. I’m so much more comfortable with myself, almost a different person than I was even a year ago. Sometimes I second guess myself and wonder what he thinks or why he wants to be with me. But I just do an about-face, relax, and try to think of myself as a hot-mama.

I guess I got my groove back.

(Truthfully, I don’t think I ever had it.)

It’s not entirely about the guy himself, although it hasn’t clicked with anyone else and it almost never clicks, period. It’s definitely a combination of timing and chemistry.

I’m surprised that the “open relationship, casual sex” guy is the one with whom I feel seen. I feel sexy, funny and appreciated.

I love having my groove.

6 Responses to “how sam got her groove back”

  1. ahh men..sigh. I am married yet I have 5 men claiming to be in love. I don’t encourage but…Grass is always greener when it is fertlized with Bull Shit.

    I wish you the best with the online dating. I don’t judge you at all. If you are in an adult consensual relationship, your choices are your own. :)


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