i’ve been afraid of changing


Right after I decided to leave my marriage, the song Landslide, by Stevie Nicks played constantly, and it spoke to me. Some of the words seemed to describe exactly where I was at that time. It’s the part in the middle:

…Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too…

I’ve seen different interpretations of the meaning, but who knows? When I hear a song or a poem, I assume I’m welcome to take my own meaning from it. When I looked up the lyrics to this song, several things resonated.

What is love? Can I deal with the remaining psychological issues from my childhood that are still in my way? Can I handle the ups and downs of life? I’m approaching another season of my life; middle age. Fear of change. Fear of being without someone you’ve been with for so long, with whom you have built a life. The realization that it was better for me to leave than to stay and that I had the courage to do it. My children growing up. The aging process, in general, and how I want to handle getting older and the second half of my life.

I haven’t regretted my decision. I haven’t looked back much. I’m definitely happier, even though it’s difficult. At first, it was very rough because of the people I hurt in the process. And everything was new and I had to get used to not having enough adult company. Now, almost a year later, the loneliness of not having a partner is really starting to hit me. I’ve heard that’s normal.

I realize that at first I was gung-ho, getting things done, keeping my shit together. Now, I’ve been letting things slip and it’s time for me to effect the changes I need to make for the rest of my life to be what I want it to be. Making the decision to leave was one half; changing my life for the better is a critical second half. As I discovered a few days ago, thinking and planning is only half of the equation.

Time to get all Nike, and Just Do It.

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