catatonia

08Mar12

I’m stuck. I can’t move; I can’t think. I can’t accomplish anything. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t even want to talk to anyone. I’m not sad or upset about anything. Nothing in particular precipitated this. I feel shut off. Like with a switch. My brain is turned off. Or, is it my heart? I can’t find myself. I think I’m not home.

Where do I go? I was here a few days ago. 

Let me try to break it down. I’ve been very busy. Lots of commotion. A houseguest. A sick kid. Tons of work to do.

Something weird happened. The man from the “incident” asked if I wanted to go out again. Seriously? I still haven’t answered his message. I don’t even know how to respond. Well, clearly it needs to include NO FUCKING WAY, YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER MORON! But he knows where I live. I want to be more thoughtful about it.

I took some time off to spend with my guest. And I never came back. I did talk about the assault. I noticed at the time that some pretty strong feelings came up. I’m sure that’s normal. I know I still haven’t processed that whole thing. I got sort of close to my guest. Then we didn’t talk about it. I hate that. Maybe that’s why I got like this? Maybe a combination?

I want to figure this out. I want to get down on myself and complain that I still can’t get close to anyone without getting messed up in the head, but a) that won’t help and b) it’s not entirely true. I think that it’s actually c) none of it matters.

Catatonia
Stuck.
Paralyzed
Empty shell
Blinking. Blind.
Stuck
Can’t move
Apathy
Eating
Stupor
Too much
Don’t talk
Afraid
Outside is pain
Afraid of feelings
Don’t reach out
Hide in here
Alone in here
No one can tell
No one sees
Paralyzed
Cant. Move.
Empty
Stuck
Apathy
Catatonia

What I have to do now is wake up. When I finally notice myself in this place, I need to just stop thinking and start to do. Do anything. It’ll shake off the catatonia. Even this – writing – is good. I already feel better. Chicken or the egg, though. Again; doesn’t matter.

Starting over.

Again.

Doesn’t matter.

Stop kicking myself.

Just start from where I stopped.

Sigh.



5 Responses to “catatonia”

  1. I understand the type of funk your talking about. It’s almost like your disconnected from everyone and walking around in your own little bubble. I mean we are there interacting with people and going through our normal day to day stuff but we really aren’t.

    I see this is a old post and I hope that like me you just woke up one day and felt clear and everything came into focus again. Friends were a big part of mine help since I’m not close to my family. I know I don’t know your but I’m “around” if you need a chat😉.

    Chin up girlie 💖 gotta stick together.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: