understand me?


Did you ever wish you had an instruction manual for someone? I wrote one for myself a few years ago. It was interesting to look back on this and see what is the same and what has changed in the past six years.

What I wish you knew about me. 2/2/06 

Sometimes, I don’t feel like I exist, so I reach out to be seen, to prove that I am. All that I need at those times is to be heard. If you are able to listen to me, I feel that I am important. I easily acquiesce under pressure to another’s wishes. It makes me feel bad about myself when I do something that I don’t want to do, even when I know that it is I who has agreed to it.

When I am sad, I need to be sad. When I am empty, I am scared to be empty. When I feel abandoned, I shut down. Deep down I wish someone would attend to my needs. Being a mother makes these feelings more intense, because most of what I do is for others.

My awareness of my thoughts and feelings comes and goes. My feelings change constantly, but are always inside of me somewhere. I can think many different things about the same issue. When I am triggered, I am child-like and can’t always access my adult self. I have no desire to be physically with you 24/7, but when I feel close to you I am happy. When you pull away emotionally, I feel abandoned.

I enjoy being courted. I want romance in my life, even though I may not appear to be romantic or girly. What I consider to be romantic are dinners, a drink, conversation, looking at the stars, driving somewhere and talking, opening doors and helping with my coat if I’m dressed up, a walk, a look, your hands on my face and hair (like in the movies), sometimes candles or scent, lotion or oils, gifts, being with me when I’m in my feelings, being listened to, thoughtfulness, laughter, companionship, you making plans for our dates or outings, kisses, your touch, drawing a bath for me, shampooing my hair in the shower or bath, brushing my hair, romantic shows or movies, music, reading something together, a kiss on the forehead, gazing at each other, and just about anything we undertake together.

See? Easy. *winks*

So, the differences?

I don’t need to reach out nearly as often.
I don’t have the feeling I don’t exist anymore.
My self-awareness is improved.
The demands of motherhood are less intense now, so I don’t feel as emptied by caretaking.
It’s been a long time, but I imagine that my desire for romance is pretty much the same. Well, almost. *winks again*

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